yes i am invisible

It's 2am in the morning and I can't sleep.  Not because the kids have once again woken up (though they have) but because I just can't seem to get my mind to click off.  I just keep going round and round and round this idea.  I've lost all since of self.  I have no idea where the me that I used to be went.  She's gone.  She's disapeared from view.

What am I now? A shell.  A shell that keeps putting on the front and walking and talking and putting up the good impression so that no one knows it's just a puppet talking. No one in this new town has a clue who I used to be so they don't know they're talking to a facade. No one knows.

My husband, P, is distant.  He too is putting on the facade even when it is just us.  I see him look at me like I'm a stranger.  He sleeps on the furthest edge of our king size bed. He has receded behind a huge wall of remoteness.

I, M, am frozen. When he advances, I retreat. I am repulsed because I feel like I'm sitting next to a stranger. And that makes me a fake. Bought with his weekly paycheck.

I keep talking, trying to open up in my limited ability, but the most I get is a nod of the head as he flips the channel. We snipe instead of communicate, and so we don't discuss anything past superficialness.

Our marriage has become a sham. One that seems incapable of repair.

I used to feel special, "prized above rubies," treasured.  And now, I'm nothing.  Invisible.